Equal Partnership in Marriage

by Valerie M. Hudson and Richard B. Miller - Equal Partnership between Men and Women in Families

By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families.  Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children.  In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.  

Equality is often used to mean "identity"; that two equal things must be identical to each other.  This represents a fallen and harmful understanding of equality that is espoused by Lucifer, who desperately wants everyone to be "like himself".

Heavenly Father created us in His image, but we each have our own abilities, talents, personalities, and characteristics that are important in His plan.  Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin said, "The Lord did not people the earth with a vibrant orchestra of personalities only to value the piccolos of the world.  Every instrument is precious and adds to the complex beauty of the symphony.  All of Heavenly Father's children are different in some degree, yet each has his own beautiful sound that adds depth and richness to the whole."

Latter-day Saint Doctrine

When the Lord created a "helpmeet" for Adam, he created a companion that was equal to him. Helpmeets walk beside each other, no one before or behind the other.  It is an absolute equal partnership between husband and wife.

President Howard W. Hunter said, "The Lord intended that the wife be a companion equal and necessary in full partnership.  For man to operate independent of or without regard to the feelings and counsel of his wife in governing the family is to exercise unrighteous dominion."

President Boyd K. Packer said, "In the Church there is a distinct line of authority.  We serve where called by those who preside over us.  In the home it is a partnership with husband and wife equally yoked together, sharing in decisions, always working together."

Elder L. Tom Perry said, "There is not a president or a vice president in a family."  It is more like copresidents working together eternally for the good of the family.  Mothers and fathers are on equal footing as they plan and organize the affairs of the family.  It is a joint and unanimous effort as they move forward.

Marriage is not only about sharing responsibilities, but also individual and shared dreams.  There must be room in marriage for the dreams of both the husband and the wife and sweet encouragement from each other to follow those dreams.

Assessing Equal Partnership

Power Processes - patterns of interaction among couples, the communication techniques that they use with each other when they are discussing decisions to be made.  Techniques include

• level of assertiveness
• listening to the other's point of view
• domination
• control

The following scale was developed to assess the degree to which a person perceives that his or her spouse tries to dominate the process of decision-making.

Power Processes Scale

1. My partner tends to discount my opinion.
2. My partner does not listen to me.
3. When I want to talk about a problem in our relationship, my partner often refuses to talk with me about it.
4. My partner tends to dominate our conversations.
5. When we do not agree on an issue, my partner gives me the cold shoulder.
6. I do not feel free to express my opinion about issues in our relationship.
7. My partner makes decisions that affect our family without talking to me first.
8. My partner and I do not talk about problems until we both agree on a solution.
9. I feel like my partner tries to control me.

Power Outcomes Scale

1. When it comes to money my partner's opinion usually wins out.
2. When it comes to children, my partner's opinion usually wins out.
3. It often seems my partner can get away with things in our relationship than I can never get away with.
4. I have no choice but to do what my partner wants.
5. My partner has more influence in our relationship than I do.
6. When disagreements arise in our relationship, my partner's opinion usually wins out. 

Agreeing with these statements indicates that a marriage is characterized by an imbalance of relationship power.  Disagreement with these statements indicates an equal partnership in terms of power processes.

Research confirms that better physical and emotional health, better marital relationships, and better parenting and outcomes for children are the fruits of equal partnership in marriage.

Adapting to Children and Youth

To have good friends, be a good friend. Show genuine interest in others; smile and let them know you care about them. Treat everyone with kindness and respect, and refrain from judging and criticizing those around you. Do not participate in any form of bullying. Make a special effort to be a friend to those who are shy or lonely, have special needs, or do not feel included.

As you seek to be a friend to others, do not compromise your standards. If your friends urge you to do things that are wrong, be the one to stand for the right, even if you stand alone. You may need to find other friends who will support you in keeping the commandments. Seek the guidance of the Holy Ghost as you make these choices.  (For the Strength of Youth)