Solving Problems in Marriage

by Stephen F. Duncan and Sara S. McCarty Zasukha - Foundational Processes for an Enduring, Healthy Marriage

In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.  

The process of sharing the decision-making power with one’s spouse is referred to in some scholarly literature as “accepting influence”. (Gottman et al., 1998).

Accepting Influence involves:

·         Counseling with and listening to one’s spouse

·         Respecting and considering his or her opinions as valid as one’s own

·         Compromising when making decisions together

Russell M. Nelson said, “Husbands and wives, learn to listen and listen to learn from one another.”

How to accept influence:

·         Turn to spouse for advice

·         Be open to his or her ideas

·         Listen to and consider his/her opinion

·         Learn from spouse

·         Show respect during disagreements

·         Recognize points where both agree

·         Compromise

·         Show trust in spouse

·         Be sensitive to his/her feelings

Respectfully Handle Differences and Solve Problems

Elder Hafen told the following story: “A bride sighed blissfully on her wedding day, ‘Mom, I’m at the end of all my troubles!’  ‘Yes,’ replied her mother, ‘but at which end?’”

Story:

Marriage is a process; the wedding ceremony is only the event that begins it. Marriage is a lifetime of struggling together to become one. Indeed, it is often the struggle itself that strengthens our union and knits our hearts together.

A girlhood experience helped me to understand how struggle can strengthen us. My family raised partridges. My brothers and sisters and I spent hours gazing at the eggs in the incubator, waiting to see the little birds break out of their shells. The first time we watched the eggs hatch, we felt sorry for the little birds. It seemed to take so long and be so hard. (We didn’t know then that partridge chicks take from forty-eight to seventy-two hours just to break out of their shells.) We were afraid that the baby birds’ strength would not be equal to the task.

So we helped them a bit. As the birds began to hatch, we carefully and gently chipped away bits of the shells—a piece here and a piece there—to make it a little easier for them. We were thrilled when the first young birds emerged from their shells! But to our horror, we saw that every one of the birds had deformed feet. Over the next few days, they died, unable to stand or walk properly to their food or water.

We were grief- and guilt-stricken when we learned that our kindhearted assistance had caused the problem. The time and energy the chicks spend breaking through their eggshells strengthen and develop their legs, feet, and neck, so that they are ready to run around and maintain their balance when they finally emerge. Our attempts to make it easier for the birds destroyed them.

The same is true of marriage. By meeting the challenges, facing the difficulties, and working things out together, we grow closer to becoming one. If we have trust that marriage is a unifying process, we realize that the inevitable problems and conflicts that arise are stepping stones and not obstacles. Our troubles can bring us closer together instead of separating us.  (Trust in Your Marriage by Christie H. Frandsen, https://www.lds.org/liahona/1989/05/trust-in-your-marriage?lang=eng&query=marriage#pop_001-03871_000_009).

Skills to work through challenges--

·         Prevention – Visit regularly with each other (pillow talk).  Let unimportant matters go unnoticed (toothpaste). Have the pure love of Christ.

·         Eliminate destructive interaction patterns – The 4 horsemen of the apocalypse

Criticism—attack on one’s personality

 Contempt—criticism mixed with sarcasm, name-calling, eye-rolling

Defensiveness—not taking responsibility for change

Stonewalling—unwillingness to discuss or withdrawal from an issue

Other destructive patterns are:

·         Escalation—upping the ante on a discussion

·         Invalidation—putting down the other’s opinions

·         Negative Interpretations—assigning a more negative view than what was meant

Couples would be wise to identify any of these patterns and eliminate them!

Steps to Effective Communication

·         Calm yourself first—Ask “Am I in control of myself?”

Contention results in anger escalation, hostility, and hurt feelings that can seriously harm relationships.  If you don’t think you can remain calm, wait until you can better deal with it.  Pray, go for a walk, listen to music, or take a shower.

·         Bring up the concern softly, gently, and privately

Do a “softened start-up” –Avoid negative, accusatory remarks, sarcasm, and critical statements.

·         Don’t blame.  Use “I” statements. 

 Describe what is happening, don’t judge.  Be clear.  Be polite.  Be appreciative.  Don’t store things up.

·         Learn to make and receive repair attempts— Anything that attempts to de-escalate the tension so problem solving can begin.  Put the brakes on when a discussion goes off-course.  Say “I’m sorry” or “Please forgive me” or “I didn’t mean that”.  “Because we love our spouse, we will want to work hard at receiving repair attempts rather than coldly rejecting them.” (Successful Marriages and Families).

·         Soothe yourself and each other.  Practice relaxation techniques. Discuss what can calm each other. Figure out what caused the tension to increase.

·         Reach a consensus about a solution.  “Most issues do not need resolution, they only need to be discussed.  Try brainstorming possibilities, evaluating alternatives, choosing one you feel good about, putting the solution into action, and following up” (Successful Marriages and Families).

Watch this Mormon Message:

https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2012-01-009-saving-your-marriage?lang=eng&category=mormon-messages-2012

Adapting to Children and Youth

Teach problems solving skills.

Watch the following video:

https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2014-06-1160-solve-problems-and-make-decisions?lang=eng

Discuss how the sheep helped the pig.  How can parents be more like the sheep?  What can children to do solve their problems?

There are ways to open the lines of communication so that problem solving is effective.  Mealtimes can provide opportunities for parents and children to ask and answer questions.  

Parents should often plan times to have the entire family do things together. Picnics, camping, family projects, home and yard work, swimming, hiking, and wholesome movies and other entertainment are a few of the many activities that families can enjoy together. A family that enjoys activities together will feel greater love and harmony. Children will be more willing to listen to their parents and follow their advice when they feel close to them. Parents will be able to teach the gospel more effectively.