by Stephen F. Duncan and Sara S. McCarty Zasukha - Foundational Processes for an Enduring, Healthy Marriage
Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other.
Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart (D&C 42:22)
Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other.
Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart (D&C 42:22)
“To my knowledge there is only one other thing in
all scripture that we are commanded to love with all our hearts, and that is
God Himself. Think what that means!” President Ezra Taft Benson
Marital love seems to occupy that high and holy
status. The love of which the Lord speaks is more than a feeling. Agency, or
personal choice, is involved.
C.S. Lewis said, “Love as distinct from ‘being in
love’ is not merely a feeling. It is a
deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit. . .
They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not
like each other. . . It is on this love that the engine of marriage is
run: being in love was the explosion
that started it.”
We have to build strong, loving marriages and
families . . . we cannot just “fall” into them.
Object Lesson: Display a flower
“Love is like a flower, and, like the body, it needs
constant feeding. The mortal body would soon be emaciated and die if there were
not frequent feedings. The tender flower would wither and die without food and
water. And so love, also, cannot be expected to last forever unless it is
continually fed with portions of love, the manifestation of esteem and
admiration, the expressions of gratitude, and the consideration of
unselfishness”. Spencer W. Kimball
Ideas to Nurture Love and Friendship
- Find out your spouse’s love language. Go here: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/
- Keep a “love map”—a notebook with everything you know about your spouse; their favorite food, worries, fears, joys, dreams, likes, dislikes, frustrations, etc. If you know your husband loves a certain food, prepare it for him and have a special evening together.
- Engage in “Caring Days”. Identify actions that you would like to receive from your partner. They must be specific, positive, small enough to be done daily, and not related to any recent conflict.
- Talk as friends. Forget the kids, school, job, and the leaky sink. Have daily stress-reducing, validating conversation as friends, not business partners. Show genuine interest (look at spouse, give full attention), take turns talking, avoid giving unsolicited advice, communicate understanding when needed, take spouse’s side, avoid interrupting or rebutting, express affection, and validate emotions.
- Respond to Bids for Connection. It can be a question, a look, a gesture, a touch—any single expression that says, “I want to feel connected to you."
There are 3 ways to respond: turn away (ignoring), turning against (verbally attacking), or turning toward (actively responding to bids for attention, affection, humor, or support).
Enrichment Activity
Create a love map for your spouse. See what new things you can find out about
your spouse to add to your book.
Identify specific things that would help you feel
loved by your spouse and share those with each other.
Adapting to Children and Youth
After surveying 25 years of research on marriage,
Gottman and Silver stated simply, “Happy marriages are based on a deep
friendship . . . a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company.”
“A relationship between a man and a woman that begins
with friendship and then ripens into romance and eventually marriage will
usually become an enduring, eternal friendship.” Elder Marlin K. Jensen
Everyone needs good and true friends. They will be a great strength and blessing to
you. They will influence how you think and act, and even help determine the
person you will become. They will help you be a better person and will make it
easier for you to live the gospel of Jesus Christ. Choose friends who share
your values so you can strengthen and encourage each other in living high
standards. For the Strength of Youth (16).
Object Lesson: Obtain a can of shaving cream and a glass
that is about the same size as the can.
Show that they are about the same size and that you are going to empty
the can into the glass. Start filling it
up and you will see that it will fill more than just the glass. It will keep coming out. Explain that this is
how love works. If we do not share our
love with others by loving them, our love cannot grow. As we love others, we find that our love
grows. John 13:34-35
Enrichment Activity
Find out what each child’s love language is by going
to http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/
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