Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness.
The optimal parenting style is the authoritative parenting style. There are three characteristics of authoritative parenting: Love, Limits, and Latitude
#1 Love (or connection)
President Gordon B. Hinckley said, "Every child is entitled to grow up in a home where there is warm and secure companionship, where there is love in the family relationship, where appreciation one for another is taught and exemplified, and where God is acknowledged and His peace and blessings invoked before the family altar.
President Brigham Young said, "Kind looks, kind actions, kind words, and a lovely, holy deportment toward them will bind our children to us with bands that cannot easily be broken; while abuse and unkindness will drive them from us."
Research has documented that children are less aggressive and more sociable and empathetic if they have parents (particularly fathers) who are more loving, patient, playful, responsive, and sympathetic to children's feelings and needs.
President Ezra Taft Benson said, "Take time to be a real friend to your children. Listen to your children, really listen. Talk with them, laugh and joke with them, sing with them, play with them, cry with them, hug them, honestly praise them. Yes, regularly spend unrushed one-on-one time with each child. Be a real friend to your children."
Sister Marjorie Hinckley was known to say, "Just save the relationship" when asked for advice on what to do about a child.
How to Save a Relationship
- It takes time--Do not believe that "quality" time can replace "quantity" time. Mothers must provide both.
- Listen to children
- Talk to children
- Laugh and joke with children
- Be kind, loving and patient with children
- Be sympathetic and understanding to children
- Be a friend to children
#2 Limits
Figuring out how to teach children to how to regulate their own behavior in noncoercive ways is one of the most challenging parts of authoritative parenting.
Determining how and when to tighten or loosen the reins requires considerable creativity, effort, and inspiration. Our efforts should be motivated by sincere interest in teaching children correct principles rather than exerting control over them.
How to Apply Limits
- Be clear and firm about rules and expectations--one mother I knew took a photo or her daughter's bedroom when it was completely clean and posted it on the wall in the child's bedroom. She explained when she asked her to clean her room, that is what it needed to look like.
- Explain the reasons for setting rules--setting limits and rules provides a safety net for children and helps them feel secure
- Administer corrective measures promptly when rules are broken--when rules and consequences have been explained in advance and a sufficient number of warnings adapted to the child's ability have been given, parents should be firm and consistent in following through in a calm manner when violations occur. Let the punishment fit the crime! Make sure the punishment is logically tied to the misbehavior. If you punish your child for hitting their sibling by not giving them a cupcake for dessert, that causes confusion. However, if the child did not eat their vegetables at dinner, not giving them a cupcake makes sense.
- Generously communicate approval of desirable behavior--Rewarding good behavior helps to invite children to regulate their behavior in desirable ways.
- Show forth an increase in love--when a child has been corrected in a calm, controlled manner, that same Spirit that prompted such correction can create a sense of compassion, charity, and forgiveness toward the child. These are moments when children have a strong and immediate need to feel the strength of parental love.
- Reaffirm your love for the child--hold the child on your lap until they feel better or say, "I am disappointed with what you do, but I still love you very much."
- Express confidence in the child--letting them know that you understand they have had a hard day and that we all make mistakes can help the feel closer to you.
President Spencer W. Kimball said, "Setting limits to what a child can do means to that child that you love him and respect him."
Understanding Behavior
It is important to try to understand why children are behaving a certain way. Challenging behavior can be tied to the following:
- Unfulfilled need (being hungry, tired, or lacking parental attention)
- A stage of growth (teething, 2 year olds, teenagers)
- Something happening in their environment (fear of the dark, friends being mean)
- A child not knowing better
The use of Induction or Reasoning can help parenting methods stay positive. Induction can help point out more acceptable ways to handle situations. It does more than simply correct behavior, it teaches the child why they should behave a certain way, helps them understand limits clearly, acknowledges their emotions, emphasizes consequences and presents strategies for them to use when dealing with conflict.
Using the Induction Method
It is wise to remember that reflective listening can come across as preachy. Remember the tone of voice, a loving touch, and the sincere feeling you have toward your child communicate more than the words themselves.
- Reflective Listening - saying, "It sounds like you are angry because. . .."
- Use "I" statements instead of "You" - "I am confused why you are thinking about . .. "
- Musing and wondering aloud - "I'm wondering how this will work if you do . . . "
- Leave more ownership for problem-solving to the child - "What are you planning to do. . . "
President Boyd K. Packer said, "True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior. The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior."
#3 Latitude
Children benefit from being given choices and appropriate levels of latitude to make their own decisions in a variety of domains.
Elder M. Russell Ballard said, "Helping children learn how to make decisions requires that parents give them a measure of autonomy, dependent on the age and maturity of the child and the situation at hand. Parents need to give children choices and should be prepared to appropriately adjust some rules, thus preparing children for real-world situations."
Keys to exercising latitude
- Listen to understand rather than talking
- Provide at least 6 positive interactions to 1 negative
- Find ways to say "yes" more than "no"
When children make the wrong choices:
- Act with faith; don't react with fear
- Seek the Lord for guidance
- Show added love and support and reinforce teachings on how to make choices
- Remember that the Lord's way of love and acceptance is better than Satan's way of force and coercion.
Providing latitude may include parents developing a middle-of-the-road approach that balances granting autonomy with regulation. This works well for spirited teenagers.
When parents try to be unified and consistent in employing an authoritative style with balancing characteristics of love, limits, and latitude, children have more chance at optimal growth and joy, and there will be more peace in spousal and parental relationships.
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