Marriage . . . is ordained of God . . . God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife . . . Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan.
Emerging Adulthood
There is a new label for the stage of life between 18 to 30 years old. It is called "emerging adulthood". It is taking longer for young adults to complete the steps that are traditionally associated with being adult--leaving home, finishing school, getting married, having at least one child, and either having a job or devoting themselves to being a homemaker.
Despite the emphasis the Lord's prophets have always placed on forming celestial marriage relationships, we live in a time when many people see the path toward marriage in a different light. There are a number of pitfalls in today's dating and courtship culture that require young adults to exercise a greater degree of faith and steadfastness.
Story: Two people are riding to a higher floor on an escalator when it suddenly stops. They look around bewildered and began to shout for help. One of them yells at the top of his lungs: “Two people are stuck on an escalator and we need help!” They finally sit down and wait for someone to come. Why don’t they start walking? Why don’t they see that this is an escalator not an elevator and that they have the power to do something to help themselves?
As silly as this seems, I think many emerging adults have similar feelings. For example, young people in the Church get on an escalator of sorts when they enter Primary and Young Men/Young Women. Each year they move to the next class and work together with the help of teachers, advisers, and parents to earn progress awards. However, when they get to college the world opens up and the “escalator” stops moving them along in life. Now they have to make their own decisions and progress. What will I be when I grow up? Whom should I marry? How will I know if I’m making progress in life and in the gospel? These are questions that require individuals to develop their own identity and relationships and there isn’t a succession of graduated classes and progress awards to help you decide how you are doing. So many get “stuck” and feel helpless in ways similar to those on the escalator. (Alan L. Wilkins, On Becoming Adults in God's Kingdom)
Obstacles Facing Young Adults
- Change in Dating Culture - Current dating culture lacks socially defined norms, rituals, and relationship milestones to guide young people toward marriage.
- Pessimism About Marriage - Although a high percentage of young adults have a desire to marry, they have also experienced living in a society saturated with divorce. This has caused them to be uncertain about their abilities to be successful in marriage.
- Getting Ahead Before Getting Wed - Attitudes toward adulthood have changed so that individuals are more focused on personal independence and self-reliance than being interdependent and no longer see marriage as a foundation for financial stability.
- Hanging Out and Hooking Up - The disappearance of dating has caused the biggest change in current young adult culture. One study suggested several reasons why men are reluctant to marry--they can get sex without marriage, they fear marriage will require too many changes and compromises, there are few social pressures to marry, and they want to enjoy the single life as long as possible.
- Acceptance of Cohabitation - Many young adults are embracing the idea that living together will help test the relationship to see if marriage is an option.
Overcoming Obstacles
- Start Dating - Dating means planning ahead and pairing off. Young men need to summon their courage and initiate dating. Young women should be supportive and encourage simple, inexpensive dates.
- Stop Hanging Out - Resist the cultural trends to just hang out. Some believe there are two types of dating--hanging out and exclusive relationship. This is incorrect. Engage in traditional dating that will lead to exclusive dating, engagement, and marriage.
- Focus on Conversation and Interaction - Plan dates where it is possible to have meaningful conversation and interaction. Don't just try to be entertained.
Try this: Brother Alan L. Wilkins, a professor at BYU, organized the "date a million program" after his mission. He tried to meet and get to know as many young women as he could. He asked friends and family members to help him meet girls. He planned dates around activities he was already participating in such as going to a devotional or concert. He made a short list of girls he wanted to date again. At the same time, he was finding himself running into a certain girl quite often. After a short time, he realized that they were developing a wonderful relationship. He found out later that she had found out his schedule so she could "run into" him after class. She also joined a committee that he was on. Working together, they were able to recognize a relationship with eternal promise.
Become the Right Person for Marriage
Many young adults set out to find their "sole mate" or "Mr. or Mrs. Right". This can cause anxiety and fear that we might make a mistake in finding our "perfect match". Elder Bednar gave the following counsel:
"As we visit with young adults all over the Church, often they will ask, 'Well, what are the characteristics I should look for in a future spouse?' As though they have some checklist of, 'I need to find someone who has these three, or four, or five things.' And I rather forcefully say to them, 'You are so arrogant to think that you are some catch and that you want someone else who has these five things for you! If you found somebody who had these three or four or five characteristics that you're looking for, what makes you think they'd want to marry you?' The "list" is not for evaluating someone else--the list is for you and what you need to become. And so if there are three primary characteristics that you hope to find in an eternal companion, then those are the three things you ought to be working to become. Then you will be attractive to someone who has those things."
On soul mates, President Spencer W. Kimball said, "Soul mates are fiction and illusion; and while every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price."
Prepare for Marriage
- View marriage as more than a couple relationship, but as a divine institution. It is not only important to be compatible with each other, but it is important to see alignment with God.
- Develop stronger faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and His divine plan for marriage and families. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland said, "Believe that your faith has everything to do with your romance, because it does. You separate dating from discipleship at your peril."
- Develop your ability to love. Love is defined as the ability to be emotionally available to self and others, especially in times of need--that is, when loved ones are hurting or are fearful of being hurt--without requirements of performance, perfection, problem-solving, or production.
- Develop the ability to communicate. Effective communication involves being an empathetic listener and the ability to have clear-sending communication. Empathetic listening helps a person feel understood and valued. We also have to say what we mean and mean what we say while still respecting the feelings and perspectives of others.
Elder Richard G. Scott said, "Throughout your life on earth, seek diligently to fulfill the fundamental purposes of this life through the ideal family. While you may not have yet reached that ideal, do all you can through obedience and faith in the Lord to consistently draw as close to it as you are able. Let nothing dissuade you from that objective."
Adapting to Children and Youth
Object lesson: Show some vegetable seeds and discuss what their potential is. How do we know they will turn into vegetables? We have faith that they will grow if we do our part--water the seeds, pull weeds, etc. Throughout our life we will be given opportunities to exercise faith. As we trust in the Lord, we can be guided in the decisions we make. Being obedient and living the gospel gives us confidence that He will give us the answers we need and help us when we need help.
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