The Grapefruit Principle

by Stephen F. Duncan and Sara S. McCarty Zasukha - Foundational Processes for an Enduring, Healthy Marriage

Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other.

Positive Interaction is the Key to a Happy Marriage

Positive emotions toward one’s spouse are vital to a healthy marriage.  Negative emotions, if they occur frequently and are allowed to deepen, can threaten a marriage.

Researchers observed couples during conflict situations and assessed proportions of negative and positive interactions.

A negative interaction – a hurtful argument about an overdraft in the checking account

A positive interaction – a loving greeting to one another after returning home from work

For couples in stable marriages the ratio of positive to negative interactions was 5 to 1.  Couples headed for divorce were .8 to 1.

Successful couples had 5 times more positive interactions than negative, and far fewer negative interactions than those headed for divorce.

Sometimes negativity can inform couples where there needs to be a change, but the better the ratio of positivity to negativity, the better the marriage.

Enhancing Positive Interaction in Marriage

Focus on your spouse’s positive qualities

Quote:  “The formula for a happy marriage?  It’s the same as the formula for living in California:  when you find a fault, don’t dwell on it.”  Humorist Jay Trachman

President Gordon B. Hinckley said, “I have witnessed much of the best and much of the worst in marriage. . . Faultfinding replaces praise. When we look for the worst in anyone, we will find it.  But if we will concentrate on the best, that element will grow until it sparkles.”

Read: The Grapefruit Syndrome found here. 

Enrichment Activity:  Make a list of things you admire and appreciate about your spouse and share them with each other. These things can be personal traits (she’s intelligent, witty), talents (he’s a good listener), something you especially like about him or her (I love the way she laughs), a feature of your relationship that you like (I like how we finish each other’s thoughts), or something positive your spouse has done (he rubbed my feet when I was tired).  This is an active decision to focus on the positive.  From this list, write down a couple of qualities and rehearse them in your mind.  Then copy them on an index card and place them where you can see them throughout the day.  Do this daily for two weeks.  Rotate different qualities from the list and repeat the activity. 

This activity will help to avoid the temptation of being critical or thinking negative thoughts about your spouse.  “Couples who nurture their fondness and admiration for one another in this way are better able to accept each other’s flaws and weaknesses and prevent them from threatening their relationship.” (Gottman & Silver, 1999).

Adapting to Children and Youth

Learning Activity: For this activity, have children put on closed-toed shoes.  Find small pebbles and give each child a pebble to put in the bottom of their shoe.  Then give each child a treat such as a sucker.  Go for a short walk around the block.  See if they spend more time talking about the annoyance of the pebble than the sucker they are eating.  At the end, discuss why they had a hard time noticing the good thing and focused so much on the negative. (If they did the opposite, hooray!!)  Compare this to life and how there are always difficulties, but we can focus on the good things around us. 

Activity:  Take a walk around your neighborhood or through a park.  Have children look for items that show that love was expressed.  An example would be a mother pushing a child in a swing, a mother bird bringing food to her babies, the sweater you are wearing that your aunt made for you, etc.  (FHE Resource Book).

Discuss that it is important to say positive things to each member of the family.  Even if we are upset, we can speak kindly and start off my using “I” statements such as “I feel sad when you borrow my things and don’t return them.”

Activity:  Play “Spin the Bottle”.  When the bottle points to a member of the family, each person says something they love or something positive about that person.

Set a goal to limit negative comments that we say to others.