Supporting Families across Generations

By Richard B. Miller and Jeremy B. Yorgason - Supporting Families across Generations

Extended families should lend support when needed.

Grandparents are important to our children's lives.

Watch The Mailbox:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1srLpGaXsBU

Boyd K. Packer said, "We must teach our youth to draw close to the elderly grandpas and grandmas."

Activity:  Consider having a special night where grandparents are invited over to dinner and then spend the rest of the evening having your children ask them questions and record the answers.  The grandparents could bring photos to show the children.  Make sure you finish off the evening by taking photos with the grandparents.

Children's perceptions of emotional closeness to their grandparents is related to reduced acting-out behaviors, such as sexual promiscuity, drug abuse, and delinquency, and fewer symptoms of depression.

Whether grandparents live close or far away, there are many ways they can build a caring and loving relationship with grandchildren.

Grandparents can:

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  Be an anchor in a world of shifting values.
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  Nurture a sense of trust, responsibility, and dependability.
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  Provide emotional support.
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  Give grandchildren an appreciation of the past and a sense of history.
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  Be a powerful ally in helping children establish a value system.
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  Maintain a close relationship even when older children begin seeking independence.
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  Provide stability and love during difficult times.

Grandparents who live nearby can also:

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  Give grandchildren the gift of time, since they are often less involved in household and career pressures.
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  Help grandchildren succeed in school by asking questions or helping with homework.
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  Encourage reading by keeping good books, magazines, and reference materials on hand when grandchildren visit.
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  Teach grandchildren sports, skills, or hobbies.
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  Praise them often and sincerely without comparing them to others.
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  Impart a love of music and drama, and help grandchildren savor life through the arts.

Grandparents who live far away can:

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  Maintain correspondence through letters, postcards, holiday greeting cards, or e-mail.
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  Take pictures of important events and send them to the grandchildren.
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  Create a newsletter especially for grandchildren.
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  Encourage reading by sending books or stories. For younger children, record an audiocassette with you reading the story.
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  Share a recipe for something they will enjoy eating or preparing.
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  Write a story about ancestors they have never met and send it to them.
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  Plant a tree or a special plant in the garden to honor a grandchild, then take pictures of it as it grows.

(https://www.lds.org/ensign/2002/10/random-sampler/being-grand-grandparents?lang=eng&query=grandparents)

Elder Neal A. Maxwell called grandparents the "strategic reserve" in extended families.

During normal times of life, grandparents usually are careful not to interfere in the lives of their children and grandchildren.  They nurture relationships while maintaining appropriate boundaries that let their children raise their families the way they desire.  In times of major stress such as a death, illness, injury, loss of job, or divorce grandparents change their role, put on their "uniforms" and actively assist where needed.  Sometimes the needs of the family are short-term and fixing a meal, cleaning the house, or helping with the grandchildren for a few days is all that is needed.  At other times the needs may be more substantial, even where the adult child has to come back home to live. Once the crisis is over, grandparents can change back into "civilian" clothes and resume the more typical relationship with their children and grandchildren.

Just as grandparents offer support and assistance to their grown children, the time will come when the adult child will need to give support to their parents.


President Ezra Taft Benson said, "We encourage families to give their elderly parents and grandparents the love, care, and attention they deserve.  Let us remember the scriptural command that we must care for those of our own house lest we be found 'worse than an infidel'.  If they become less able to live independently, then family, Church, and community resources may be needed to help them.  When the elderly become unable to care for themselves, even with supplemental aid, care can be provided in the home of a family member when possible."

Especially for Caregivers (and their family members)

Adult daughters are the most likely to become the caregiver to aging parents.  Caregiving is stressful and can result in depression and other health problems.  The elderly person's level of disability--some get quite hostile or have cognitive impairments such as dementia--and the amount of time the caregiver provides can lead to greater stress on the caregiver.

Family relationships are vital to supporting the caregiver.  If you are a sibling to a caregiver for your parent, the following items can be helpful:

• Provide encouragement--make a phone call expressing appreciation
• Provide practical and tangible support--Elder Dallin H. Oaks said, "When a parent lives with one child, the other children should make arrangements to share the burdens and blessings of this arrangement."  
• Consider giving monetary support, especially if the caregiver is experiencing a financial burden do to the situation.
• Consider giving the caregiver a break once a week by filling in for her, if you live close, or by hiring a caregiver once a week to provide respite care.
• Have meals brought in for the caregiver
• Provide transportation and other assistance when the caregiver takes the parent to the doctor.

Beware of the following:

• Making remarks that could be taken as a criticism--remember the caregiver is doing her best and is exhausted.
• Family conflict is the main reason care recipients enter facilities.

President Benson said, "The role of the caregiver is vital. There is great need for support and help to be given to such a person."

Parents should complete a living will, durable power of attorney, or advance directive to let their wishes be known about end of life care.  This will help eliminate contention between siblings when trying to decide what is best for their parents.

President Boyd K. Packer said, "My wife and I have seen our grandparents and then our parents leave us.  Some experiences that we first thought to be burdens or trouble have long since been classified as blessings."

Although caregivers experience stress while caring for a loved one, they also report that it is an overall positive experience.  They become closer to the family member, learned how to handle stressful situations, felt useful, and learned to feel more compassionate toward others and their needs.

Adapting to Children and Youth

Watch The Mailbox:   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1srLpGaXsBU

Have a grandparent night where you learn about what life was like for your grandparent when they were your age.  Write down what your grandparent says. If possible, take a voice recorder, a video camera, or a digital camera. Remember to write down or record the full name of the person you interview, your name, and the date of the interview.

Write a letter or make a phone call to your grandparent and thank them for the influence they have had on your life.

Learn the favorite game of one of your ancestors; play it during family home evening.

Ask a parent or grandparent what his or her mother’s or father’s favorite food or dessert was, then fix it for dinner one night.

If you live far away from your grandparents, you can Skype, email, and talk on the phone.  You could also write letters and mail them.  Consider adopting a grandparent.  Find an elderly person who needs love and support and regularly visit and help them.